Rule No. 1 – Study Latin
Latin is an awesome! It’s the official language of dark magic and shit! Since you want your new album to scream “the person listening to me is a sociopaths weirdo, who kills chickens in his basement”, make sure at least 90% of your song names are in Latin. Don’t know the language and you’re too lazy to learn? No Problem – open up a bible (borrow one from a normal person) and use works from there you haven’t the slightest idea when they mean!
Rune No.2 – Pentagrams and Death are your best friend
Nothing screams nonconformity and darkness like a pentagram! So have many of them on your album cover. In fact, fuck everything else – make the cover a pentagram comprised of hundreds of smaller pentagrams! Make the CD a pentagram! AWESOMEEE…..!
Now, on to Death. Make sure you get him in the cover (perhaps styled to like another pentagram). If you don’t have death, you’re just a lousy power metal screw-up – start from the beginning ! Make sure death is a robe with evil eyes, and a scythe, and fire, and dead bodies, and maybe teeth, and bones, don’t forget the bones – do that and you’ll be well on your way to having your face in the satanic bible.
Rule No.3 Lyrics
I f you’re not singing about the pagan rituals, violence and blood, death (see above for visualization) and carnage, you’re not doing it right.
Rune No. 4 Virgins
Virgins are the true inner workings of death/black metal and if want to be number one, you have to sacrifice some. Don’t take this too lightly though – make sure to mention that you’re sacrificing female virgins, as DnD and Happy Potter virgins may destroy 97% of your fan base. And always remember – virgins can only be sacrificed within a close proximity to pentagrams. Death is there as well. And blood, don’t forget the blood.
Rule No. 5 Have a ballad
Your album must contact one and ONLY one ballad. It must be in 7/8 and you are practically obligated to use the “jammed garbage disposal” setting of your distortion thingy. Drums have no place in a ballad. Bass players too….in fact, don’t get a base player at all – he’s just another mouth to feed, which you could just as easily sacrifice on a concert – half the expense, double the fan base.
Rule. No. 6 Sing about bullshit
Never sing about serious stuff! If you must however aim to be elitist, spell out your song’s “hidden” symbolism or whatever. You mustn’t let your fans misinterpret your song’s meaning and we all know, 16 year olds aren’t the most perceptive bunch…(16 year olds do not in fact know this as detailed previously).
Rule No. 7 Post your music on social networks
Don’t pay someone to create a website for you and don’t waste your time making one yourself. Other people have already created a website for you! Upload your music there, because let’s face it – no one’s ever going to give you money for that thing you do where you abuse that guitar you got on the flea market for 3$…Make sure your band has any (preferably all) of the following :
a) A Myspace – there be friends with other death/black metal bands including and not limited to Dimmu Borgir and Cannibal Corpse – this will show people that you’re the shit!
b) A facebook page – This is an absolute MUST ! Since it’s 2010 and even your dead relatives have facebook accounts, you need to be there.
c) Twitter – Appropriate uses of a twitter account include, but are not limited to – announcing that your drummer farted; you have genital herpes; you put semen in your vocalist’s drink of virgin blood; your bassist’s….wait, we agreed you’re not getting one of those…
Rule No.8 Recording and releasing albums
Okay, this is the real deal. First and most of all, don’t bother with those posh recording studios. Record all your songs in your garage (perfect acoustics) using the utmost quality 1$ microphone connected to a PC – this will give you a nice trashy (pun intended), heavy and vintage sound you get erections just thinking about.
Second case and point – never release albums – only EPs. They contain less songs, which is less work. Make sure to announce the release of each of your EPs on your myspace, facebook and twitter account. As an added bonus to the staggering 3 fans you will accumulate (per EP), frequent release of EPs will give your fan (probably also known as your cousin) that you’re really hardworking and dedicated even though you spend most of your weekend masturbating to the satanic bible.
Thank you for read…or not, whatever…
